Go be bitter.

Go ahead, be a bitter bitch. It's okay. In the end, I won. In the end, he's mine. He loves me and has ALWAYS loved me. & what are you left with? A pathetic memory of what you thought would have lasted. You were left with the pathetic idea that you could have even possibly taken him away from me. That's just so hilarious. 

It's okay. You're still young. You'll learn. You still have a shittonne of growing up to do. You and BOTH of your so-called "friends". 

I'm so happy.

The best thing that can come from the past two months is the fact that we are so much stronger now. If we can get through something like this and come back stronger than before, then we can get through anything. I know that we have an amazing future together and I can't wait to face the world with you by my side.

This is a test.

Maybe it's just a life test. Maybe we're supposed to use this test to strengthen our relationship, our love for each other. Maybe we're supposed to use this opportunity to weed out the bad seeds in our lives in order for us to get ready for our future. We don't need those "friends" to hold us back from each other. You and I belong together, and even if we're the only two who believe it, that's all that we need. You're all I need.

Welcome, 2012.

Fuck all you no-sayers and doubters. I make my own damn future. This just goes to show that when you believe in something, when you truely believe in something with all of your heart, then you know it's pure, and that it will last. I don't need your guys' "advice" or "words of wisdom" (although I thank you immensely for it). I believed in what was right, what was real and what was pure. & in the end, because it was real and pure, I got what I wanted. & he got what he wanted. We belong together, and nothing anyone says can change a damn thing about it. 

I love you, Jason Michael Miller.

Content.

For the first time in MONTHS, I am completely content. & that's enough for me. 

Heart of the Matter - The Eagles

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgivenessForgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm starting to understand now that I need to start rebuilding my life from the ruins that you left me. There is a life after you. There is happiness after you. I don't need to rely on you to be happy. Everything that was planned while we were together can be rearranged and replanned. Nothing is ever set in stone. If you wanted to be with me, then nothing in the world would keep you away. If I am not worth it to you to fight for, then you are not worth it to me to cry over. So now it's my turn to figure out what I want and what I need from myself and from my life. It's not about us anymore. It's about me. It's about redefining who I am. It's about realizing that you don't make me who I am and I never needed you in the first place.

Smile.

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll se the sun come shining through, for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Fuck 2011.

I've lost so much this year. I just want to forget it. I want to forget it all. I thought that I could refocus my energy on myself, and be a better person, allow myself to be happy and okay with me. But when it just seems to be getting better, something happens and it all goes bad again. One step forward, two steps back. I don't think I'm okay with this.

I wish I felt this way.

But I feel this way.