Dreamer

I'm so happy.

2012-01-13T23:56:00.001-08:00

The best thing that can come from the past two months is the fact that we are so much stronger now. If we can get through something like this and come back stronger than before, then we can get through anything. I know that we have an amazing future together and I can't wait to face the world with you by my side.

This is a test.

2012-01-06T21:30:00.001-08:00

Maybe it's just a life test. Maybe we're supposed to use this test to strengthen our relationship, our love for each other. Maybe we're supposed to use this opportunity to weed out the bad seeds in our lives in order for us to get ready for our future. We don't need those "friends" to hold us back from each other. You and I belong together, and even if we're the only two who believe it, that's all that we need. You're all I need.

Welcome, 2012.

2012-01-05T11:04:00.001-08:00

Fuck all you no-sayers and doubters. I make my own damn future. This just goes to show that when you believe in something, when you truely believe in something with all of your heart, then you know it's pure, and that it will last. I don't need your guys' "advice" or "words of wisdom" (although I thank you immensely for it). I believed in what was right, what was real and what was pure. & in the end, because it was real and pure, I got what I wanted. & he got what he wanted. We belong together, and nothing anyone says can change a damn thing about it.

I love you, Jason Michael Miller.

Content.

2012-01-04T09:56:00.001-08:00

For the first time in MONTHS, I am completely content. & that's enough for me.

Heart of the Matter - The Eagles

2012-01-02T21:12:00.001-08:00

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgivenessForgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

-----------------------------------------------------------------

I'm starting to understand now that I need to start rebuilding my life from the ruins that you left me. There is a life after you. There is happiness after you. I don't need to rely on you to be happy. Everything that was planned while we were together can be rearranged and replanned. Nothing is ever set in stone. If you wanted to be with me, then nothing in the world would keep you away. If I am not worth it to you to fight for, then you are not worth it to me to cry over. So now it's my turn to figure out what I want and what I need from myself and from my life. It's not about us anymore. It's about me. It's about redefining who I am. It's about realizing that you don't make me who I am and I never needed you in the first place.

Smile.

2011-12-31T17:51:00.001-08:00

Smile, though your heart is aching
Smile, even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your pain and sorrow
Smile, and maybe tomorrow
You'll se the sun come shining through, for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile.

Fuck 2011.

2011-12-31T16:56:00.001-08:00

I've lost so much this year. I just want to forget it. I want to forget it all. I thought that I could refocus my energy on myself, and be a better person, allow myself to be happy and okay with me. But when it just seems to be getting better, something happens and it all goes bad again. One step forward, two steps back. I don't think I'm okay with this.

I wish I felt this way.

But I feel this way.

Holy Cow!!!

2011-12-30T15:05:00.001-08:00

Wooo. First time at Holy Cow and I had a really good time. I'm so glad I went out. Awesome times with awesome people. I definitely needed a night out.

I remember:

2011-12-29T00:48:00.001-08:00

when we would sing duets in the car, no matter how badly.
when you'd hold my hand while driving, even though you drive a stickshift car.
when you'd squeeze my hand three times just to tell me that you love me.
when you'd hold my hand and kiss it while driving
when you'd touch my chin then touch my nose while looking at my face.
when you'd brush my hair from my face.
when we went out those few times you would hold back from drinking just so you would be okay to take care of me.
when you held my hair back while I threw up in the toilet that one time I got really drunk.
when you'd deny hanging out with your friends just so you could stay home and skype with me.
when you'd come to my house in the middle of the night just to surprise me.
when you surprised me with flowers (orange roses) just because I was having a terrible week.
when we'd take showers together and when we get out you'd always dry my back for me
when you'd send me little videos of yourself throughout the day just to tell me that you love me and that you miss me.
when you would come and pick me up every night from work.
when we would work out together after I would get off and you would be my spotter/own personal trainer.
when you would cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for me, not allowing me to help because you knew I was clumsy and could get hurt.
when you would bbq for me knowing how much I love and rarely get bbq.
when you would call out sick from work just to spend some time with me.
when seeing each other one day a week just wasn't enough for us.
when you would call me "bunny".
when I'd call you in the middle of the night and you'd still answer me no matter how tired you are.
when we'd be napping or sleeping next to each other, you'd always have to be touching me, as if you were afraid that I'd disappear.
when you'd tell me how much you love me over and over and over.

I remember all of that. What's sad is that I don't think you do anymore.

He's just not that into you.

2011-12-27T21:11:00.001-08:00

Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up. If a guy punches you he likes you. Never try to trim your own bangs and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, Every story we're told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe... it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is... just... moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.

I'll have a blue Christmas without you.

2011-12-25T19:52:00.001-08:00

I'll have a blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue just thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't be the same, dear, if you're not here with me

And when those blue snowflakes start falling
That's when those blue memories start calling
You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

You'll be doin' all right with your Christmas of white
But I'll have a blue, blue, blue, blue Christmas

Lonely Christmas.

2011-12-21T11:29:00.001-08:00

I try so hard to move past this, to move past you. It's been over a month and I'm still hurting just as much. I still can't believe everything that's happened. I can't believe I'm going to have such a lonely Christmas. I can't believe that you will end up getting everything you want and more, while the only thing that I want for Christmas refuses to even acknowledge the fact that I exist anymore.

Merry Christmas and Happy Fucking Holidays.

To a new chapter.

2011-12-19T20:04:00.001-08:00

You've turned the page. It is now my turn.

I went out last night with two of my best friends. They got me excessively inebriated. I had a damn good time. Then I threw that good time all back up in the parking lot. Lol. Fuck.

Donna Dris, Will Rankin and Yoni Klein. Thank you for one of the most miserable and most entertaining nights in a really long time. I will never look at drunk pool and Bohemian Rhapsody the same ever again.

Love.

2011-12-14T21:59:00.000-08:00

"That's what we do. We fight. You tell me when I'm being an arrogant son of a bitch, and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass. Which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a 2 second rebound rate. Then you're back doing the next pain in the ass thing. So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. And we're gonna have to work at this everyday. But I wanna do that. 'Cause I want you. I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Everyday." The Notebook.

"People think a true soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave."

"Behind every beautiful & amazing woman, there was at least one dumb asshole who got bored with her."

Fuck December

2011-12-12T20:03:00.000-08:00

Almost exactly four years ago, I started to fall for you after you had already fallen for me.

It's hard to believe how everything seemed to turn around so quickly. We were both so in love, you go on this trip and come back, completely changed. I don't understand what happened. There were so many things we were supposed to do... together. December was OUR month. December was the month that we started to fall for each other, and each and every December that we've had together after that has been special. This year, December can burn a fiery death. Fuck December. We will never get to do any of the things that you promised me. We will never go ice skating (after 3 and a half years of begging, you had finally relented, and now, we'll never go). We will never go look at the Christmas lights. We will never go to the new Cheesecake Factory. So much more that you've promised me, and you've broken every single one of those promises. Because you've broken the biggest promise of all. You promised me that you would be with me forever, through anything and everything. You promised me that you would love me forever, through anything and everything. You promised me that I would be the only person you would love, ever. You promised me. & now, you've gone back on your promises. You've broken my heart, and everything that I ever wished for that I found in you, has disappeared. You were someone who had everything I wanted and more, and somehow, you've lost him. You've allowed yourself to get confused and lost and now, you're just... I don't even know.

Every night, I feel completely alone. No matter how many friends I talk to, no matter how many friends I cry to, I feel completely and utterly alone. I feel like I'm in a deep dark hole, and I keep falling deeper and deeper. You say that I'm stronger than you are. How? How can I be stronger than you if I feel the need to talk to you all the time like we used to and you merely ignore my texts and calls? How can I be stronger than you if I cry every single night over you and you just seem to be completely fine? How can I be stronger than you if I need you, but you don't seem to need me?

What the fuck happened?

2011-12-10T22:37:00.001-08:00

j: fuck
j: i
j: miss
j: you
j: this is ridiculous

j: I miss you too baby.. I want to be with you! I want my lips on yours..
j: I want to hhold and massage you and tell you that i love you
m: me too
j: I have my margo on the mind babe. you'd look amazing next to me

j: mmm.. id love that.. and miss itt.. imagine me cuddling you with the electric blanket on
m: oo id fall asleep
j: mhmm and id watch you sleep and massage you and caress your face and tell you I love you
j: and watch you fall deep into sleep.
j: baby. you make me the happiest man in the world.
m: :)
j: and honestly you complete me.
m: i know
j: im all yours and will be in your arms soon.

Slipping away.

2011-12-10T19:42:00.001-08:00

I feel you slowly slipping further and further away from me. But that's okay. This is for the best. I know that you will figure things out. The more I try to hold on to you, the more you'll want to run. So you're free. I've let go.

That's not to say that I'm not waiting. I am.
That's not to say that I don't still love you. I do.
That's not to say that I don't believe in us. I do.
You need this time to be able to believe in us again. And I know you will.

I love you, so much.

More than you can imagine.

2011-12-10T07:19:00.001-08:00

I miss you, more than you can imagine. I love you, more than you can imagine. I want you, more than you can imagine.

1267 days.

2011-12-07T05:21:00.000-08:00

I know that you think this is for the best for now, but I don't think you realize how much this really does hurt. We had something so amazing, so beautiful. And you've thrown it all away. And for what? You don't even know. You mean the world to me and I've been told that it shouldn't be like this. I'm not the one who should be hurting, begging and crying. It should be you. But it's not. It's me. I'm the one crying every night. I'm the one who can't get through one fucking day without talking to you. I'm so pathetic. No. Scratch that. I'm so in love. And I thought you were too. I was so sure of it. I was something that you could be sure of. I was something that was always going to be there. But you gave all that up. I told you I would wait. I told you I would wait for you to get your head on straight and figure yourself out. And I will. It's going to be hard and it's going to hurt like hell, but if in the end we end up together, then it's worth it. It's worth all the pain and heartbreak.

You're confused and lost. You need help. Reach out to people. Don't allow yourself to hold everything in.

052608 - 111411

The stress of it all...

2011-12-05T09:01:00.001-08:00

Finals week is creeping up and I'm stressing more than ever. That, along with other personal issues is making getting through this month of December a lot harder than I had expected. I have three final exams that I'm not so sure about. I have two presentations and three projects. Most of the projects are done, but the exams are what I'm extremely worried about...

Don't You Remember?

2011-11-24T19:25:00.000-08:00

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye, not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any seams,
I had no idea of the state we were in,

I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,

But I know I have a fickle heart and bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,

But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hope that you find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,

Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

you and me

2011-11-19T10:14:00.000-08:00

We are amazing together, and that's all we need. Just each other. When we're together, no one else matters. We're in a little world that is entirely our own and nothing can touch us. Nothing can harm us. We keep each other safe. That's all that matters.

Nothing else.

Heartache & heartbreak.

2011-11-15T16:18:00.001-08:00

You know where I stand. Now, it's up to you. I'll be here.

<3

2011-11-13T20:41:00.001-08:00

We can do this.

Headaches & heartaches

2011-10-22T22:57:00.001-07:00

It's been a while. Not much has changed. School has been fine. Not awesome, but decent. Work is work. Draining. Tiring.

As far as us, I'm still trying. Still trying to adapt to that fact. Still trying to heal and accept that what happened has happened and that there is nothing else that neither he nor I can do about it. We just have to suck it up, and go forward. But what do you do when something that you have to do is just so hard? What do you do when you can't ask anyone for help because this is something you have to do on your own? Time isn't on my side. I feel like nothing is on my side.

Uncertainty.

2011-09-11T23:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, I'm unsure that I'll be able to get through it. I think about it and I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive. I don't know if I can, and that scares me. I worry that all this time will have been a waste of time for the both of us. I worry that over the years, I will become bitter and full of resentment.

I'm trying so hard. :/

Healing slowly.

2011-08-14T11:40:00.001-07:00

It's been a month since it happened and I'm slowly healing. At the same time, I know that it hurts him. My process of healing hurts him because it brings up every detail that he wants to forget. But I need to hear each detail. It's a sick method of healing but I need to know everything that went on. & it's working. I'm starting to feel less resentment towards him. There will be days when I will feel extremely angry and upset, and then there will be other days when I will be completely fine. He deals with both days.

Jason Miller, I love you. Remember that.

Hurricane.

2011-08-08T00:39:00.001-07:00

Past couple weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions. Sadness, betrayal, love, hate, and just pure anger. Sometimes it's nice to be able to take it out. I've been able to take it out in many different ways. Hopefully this feeling will pass and I will be able to move on with my life. In the meantime, who knows?

22 | Extra Ordinary

2011-07-16T22:31:00.001-07:00

via exocomics.com

15 | Extra Ordinary

2011-07-16T22:28:00.001-07:00

via exocomics.com

yup.

04 | Extra Ordinary

2011-07-16T22:26:00.001-07:00

via exocomics.com

bahaha it's me and anabel.

Surreal.

2011-06-05T01:07:00.001-07:00

It's been 4 days, and I still can't comprehend what happened. It's all extremely surreal to me. I've never lost someone so close to me at an age where I would understand what happened. I almost still don't believe it. I half expect someone to call my mom and say "Just kidding!" even if it would be a sick joke. I'd rather have that than this.

I've never seen my mom so... I don't even know the word to describe it. Sad doesn't seem to cover it. I think maybe defeated will suffice. Her eyes are so tired and her actions seem hopeless. I try hard not to cry so I can be strong for her but when I start to think, it just gets harder to hold back tears.

I miss you so much, Grandma.

060111 Rest in Paradise.

2011-06-02T00:09:00.001-07:00

Dear Grandma,

I can't believe it. I can't believe you're actually gone. When I was younger, I used to think that you would live on forever. As I saw you get sicker and sicker, my heart started to crumble. When I found out you were gone, my heart completely shattered.

I remember when I was younger, you used to ask me and Mindy to pluck out your white hairs. We sat behind you in your big comfy chair and would listen to you speak to us in that language that we don't understand (that we now know as Chauzhuo). I remember answering the phone when you'd call to talk to my mom. You'd ask me if I had eaten, and what I ate. You'd ask me if I went to school today and where my mother was. You are the reason I know how to say and respond to those questions in Chauzhuo. I remember those times you'd lift up my shirt and call me fat. I know that you didn't mean it. I know that you only said that because you didn't want me to get fat. & even though it was years ago, I still can remember how you used to say my name. "Mahck-go". You could never get the "R". But that's okay.

When you had your stroke, I was worried that you would not be able to recover. But you did. You were strong enough to come back. I was so glad that you did. I wasn't ready to let you go just yet.

I know that you're in a better place now. Even though I wish you could have stayed with us longer, I know that your time had come adn you had to go. My only regret is not being able to say good-bye and tell you how much I loved you. I love you so much Grandma. I will never forget you. I will always love you and I will always miss you. Rest in paradise.

Love always,

Margo.

3 years and some garlic mash!

2011-05-26T23:30:00.001-07:00

Happy anniversary to my Jason Miller! 3 years together and we still put up with the other. It's great. Thanks so much for the day. The game, the food. It was one I will never forget. I love you!

The non-grad.

2011-05-22T23:05:00.001-07:00

Everyone is graduating now and I feel like I'm so behind. Everyone that I graduated high school with is finishing up and I still have at least a year left. It makes me feel incompetent. I hope that I know what I'm doing. :x

Big sigh.

Creeper!

2011-05-22T19:03:00.001-07:00

042111 Jason's Birthday & lifesavers.

2011-04-21T23:06:00.001-07:00

Happy belated birthday to my love, Jason Michael Miller! He's 24 now. A whole 3 years older than me! (Okay, maybe not WHOLE 3 years) I got him an awesome gift, if I do say so myself. ;)

Today, work was scary. A man had a seizure/heart attack! Luckily everyone stayed calm and everything was alright in the end. I called 9-1-1 and paramedics made it there quickly and brought him to the hospital. Extremely scary moment.

041811 Training.

2011-04-18T09:59:00.000-07:00

Last week all the MCs at work basically got called out on not producing the numbers that we're supposed to have. I would have no problem taking that discipline had I had the proper training. However, since our AMM left 2 weeks after we started there, there was no way we could have had the proper training from the CM. Yet, he still chooses to blame us. This caused for a very stressful week last week because I had been asking for training for months, yet I wasn't getting any. So, I felt like I was getting in trouble for not having the skills that I've been asking for. Blows.

On top of that, I had midterms.

I feel sick.

041211 Growl.

2011-04-11T23:32:00.000-07:00

So, I know it's been a while since I last blogged. But here I am! I'll be better about blogging I promise.

I started my new job in the middle of January. I now work at 24 Hour Fitness as a Membership Counselor. I sell memberships and training. It isn't really too bad. The people who work there are great. The trainers are awesome and keep me to my diet. They actually watch what I eat and make me feel bad and throw out the bad stuff. I've lost 4 pounds because of them! Management, on the other hand, is a different story. I'll write more about that later.

This past weekend I did floorset at American Eagle. Worked Friday night 8pm-12am, Saturday night 8pm-3am, Sunday 8am-6pm at 24, then from 6pm-1am right after. So exhausting! On the plus side, I'm making money!

I have an Accounting midterm Thursday and I need to study. I hate that the final grade for that class is 100% reliant on the three exams we have. Le sigh!

I'm waiting for my Marketing class right now. It starts in 15 minutes. I guess I should leave now. Growl.

011311 happy belated new year!

2011-01-13T22:35:00.000-08:00

2010 is history

New year. New job. New goals. I'm going to kick your butt 2011.

121210 I'm glad to be rid of you.

2010-12-12T23:05:00.000-08:00

I'm so much happier without you, it makes me wonder why I bothered to put up with your immaturity at all.

Fuck you.

111810 It's complicated.

2010-11-18T16:10:00.001-08:00

I'm complicated. You're complicated. We're both complicated.

It's complicated.

110210 World Series Champs

2010-11-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

Yay Giants win the 2010 World Series!

It's been a little over a week and to be honest, it doesn't feel as if anything is different. I think it's just easier to act like how things have been for the past 2 years and 5 months than it is to deal with not being around or talking to each other.

You need to know that it's hard for me too. It's easier for me to just talk to you and see you and be with you. But that's not how I need to make my decisions. That's not how I want to fix this. We might be okay for the time being. But I don't want it to be that way. I want to be genuinely happy all the time. You deserve that.

102510 A quote.

2010-10-25T20:39:00.000-07:00

"Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards." - Søren Kierkegaard

This quote sums up my thoughts very well. Things in the past tend to make sense when you look back on it. However, you can't live in your past. You have to keep moving.

Just keep swimming.

102310 THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!

2010-10-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness. My house was so full of screaming and shouting and jumping and clapping. I have never seen my family so excited for anything, EVER. My dad was so happy he started shouting into the streets from the window. I was so happy I shouted with him

THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT! THE GIANTS WIN THE PENNANT!

Yes, that's right. The Giants are going to the World Series.

Eat it, Phillies.

102310 To the end of an era.

2010-10-23T06:19:00.000-07:00

I realize that it is insanely early for me to be up. My cat jumped on my bed and started making those regurgitating sounds so I had to clean that up and make sure she wasn't eating leaves or something. Now, I can't go back to sleep.

I don't know if what I'm doing is the best thing to do at the moment. But it's the only thing that I feel that I can do. My heart cries for you but I think that right now, I'm just so insanely heartbroken that I just want the familiar back. I don't want to want you back because you're familiar. I want to want you back because I want you back. I want to want you back because you are the best decision for me. I want to want you back because I'm genuinely happy with you, not just content. & for me to decide that, I need to have my time. I'm so sorry that in this process, I'm putting you through so much shit. You don't deserve any of it. You are so good to me. Yet, I have the audacity to think these things and hurt you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than I am able to give you.

You are an amazing person, and I wouldn't trade any of what we had for anything in the world. I will always love you.

To the end of an era, and maybe a start of a better one.

100910 NL West Champs & Fleet Week

2010-10-09T11:03:00.000-07:00

Giants are in the playoffs! This is quite exciting. I was never REALLY into baseball until this year and they're going to the playoffs! They lost last night, but it's okay. They still have Sunday and Monday and Tuesday. :D

This week is/was Fleet Week. Normally, we'd go. But realizing that it's essentially the same every year, we decided against facing huge crowds and high traffic.

This past week was okay/nice. Tuesday I had a midterm. I thought I did fairly well on it considering how much I studied. Went to Bubba Gump with Jason on Wednesday. I got a light up cup! Then we went to the arcade and I got to feed my addiction. We won some pretty good stuff. AT LEAST 700 tickets-worth. Thursday I forgot I had an assignment due. I had to rush to the bookstore and buy colored pencils. They turned out to be more expensive than colored markers so I just bought markers. I rushed my assignment and it turned out really sloppy but at least it was done! Friday I had an interview for an internship at BARS+TONE. I hope I get it! Then Jason took me to Shabu House! MM good food. I had an optometrist appointment after and apparently my eyesight is slightly worse but could be the same as last year. It hasn't changed much within the past few years which is good I guess.

So bored. :)

092910 Yay Giants!

2010-09-29T22:06:00.001-07:00

Giants are 2 games ahead of the Padres and are the division leaders! Exciting!

I need a new job &/or internship. I was offered a job at Mercedes-Benz but I had to turn it down because they wanted me full time. I go to school full time and I don't think I'd be able to juggle school at night, homework and work at the same time. It would be too much. & plus, I want to get out of school as soon as possible, and going to school at night would totally delay graduation by at least a year.

Jason took me on a picnic in Half Moon Bay last week. Then we went to Golden Gate Park and paddle boated then went to Pier 39. Awesome times.

Smiles!

Our picnic lunch!

Paddle boating!

090510 Tonsillitis!

2010-09-05T23:49:00.000-07:00

Every one and a half to two years, I get tonsillitis. This started my senior year in high school. It sucks! :/ Maybe I need to get them taken out! That would be horrible.

For the past month, I've been babysitting Gabe several days a week. While it's been fun, I'm exhausted. I'm glad it's over. I love the kid though.

Day off tomorrow. Going to hang out with Jason. Hopefully, I don't feel so shitty.

081610 Gabriel!

2010-08-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

I babysit for the best kid in the world every day this week. Tomorrow is going to be a loooong day. babysitting from 8-3 then work from 5-930. & I have to miss the game. :( Sad face. Thursday and Friday Jason is going to help me babysit though. :)

School starts next Tuesday. I'm thinking about joining the SFSU Marketing Association. Hopefully it will help me get some contacts by the time I graduate. I still need to get a few more books. & hopefully, I can get a new job this semester. I've been at American Eagle for waaay too long. Thankfully, the store manager is no longer the store manager so that makes work more bearable.

081410 Baby?

2010-08-14T18:52:00.001-07:00

An elderly Chinese woman offered me a napkin at Costco:
(the following conversation is in Cantonese)
ECW: Here, take this napkin, miss.
Me: No, it's okay. Thanks. I have one.
ECW: Congratulations! *she laughs and smiles*
Me: *confused*
Dad: You just told her you're pregnant.
Me: WHAT?!
NOTE: Apparently, telling someone "I have one" in Cantonese is slang for "Hey, I'm preggo".
.... Cantonese is a confusing language.

081210 Buster Posey

2010-08-12T19:34:00.000-07:00

Jason took me shopping today! I got a cuuute dress I may wear for my birthday. I also got two long shirt/dress things. Yaay Anthropologie!

Then we went to the Post-game BBQ in hopes of meeting Buster Posey and getting his autograph. No luck! :/ Oh well.

You were so close, and yet, so far.

But my Jason was awesome today. Thank you for the clothes and for waiting for hours with me in line for Buster. Even though it didn't end up happening I still had a great time with you. I loves you!

081110 School starts in...

2010-08-11T23:40:00.000-07:00

12 days. I'm so ready for it. Summer has been... boring.

Today, my mom had a biopsy. Her diabetes doctor found a lump in her throat and while he thinks it's benign, he wants to be sure. Even though it's most likely nothing *knocks on wood*, my mom is terrified. On the way home, she started talking about how she was scared and she wanted to watch my brother get married. She always talks like this. She always talks about "when she's gone". I don't know whether to be sad or angry. I hate when she talks like that but I also know that that day will come. Hopefully, it won't come for a very long time.

080510 Anthropologie.

2010-08-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I'm not into fashion, but yesterday I walked around downtown with Jason. We stepped into Anthropologie and I just fell in love. I've been there before but I never really payed much attention to the clothes. I love vintage-y style clothes. More like, 1960's London. Like.. Carey Mulligan in An Education. Floral prints, fluttery blouses, skirts, hats, dresses. If I had the money I would buy out the entire store!

I absolutely adore this dress even though it's got crazy florals all over it:

This shirt and skirt combo would be absolutely adorable:

& to complete the ensemble:

Maybe I should go into fashion instead of Marketing? Haha, no. Just kidding.

080410 Babysitting & my new goal.

2010-08-04T11:56:00.001-07:00

I babysat for the little monster today. He's so awesome. I love him to death. He gets more and more adorable every time I go over there.

He's my most favorite kid in the world!

(btw, he's my band teacher from high school's kid. we're good friends so we hang out from time to time)

Anywho, I have this new life goal. I will attempt and finish a triathlon or biathlon by the time I turn 25. Since I turn 21 in 21 days (woo!) I have 4 years and 21 days to do so. Nobody seems to think I can do it. At least, no one in my family. Yes, I know I'm out of shape. Yes, I know I'm overweight. But 4 years is a long time, and a lot can change! :)

080310 Cheaters.

2010-08-03T14:14:00.001-07:00

Cheaters is suuuch a trashy show. But for some reason, I love watching it. It’s so entertaining.

Soo, August has finally come around. School starts in a few weeks. My birthday is just around the corner. Wooo!

A couple weeks ago I got the p90x program. Jason got it for me. I’ve done some of the workouts. I need to motivate myself to do it daily. It’s hard though! Finding the motivation to get up and do the workouts. It doesn’t help that I don’t have any room in my house to do it either. I have to do some of the workouts in my room and when my mom takes her car to work the garage is free sometimes. I don’t have pull up bars either! I have resistance bands and power stands, but that’s it. It should be good enough though. I wish I had someone to do it with. THAT would motivate me!

072110 Dear John.

2010-07-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

Dear John,

I saw you today. You have no idea how happy I am that I did. I haven't seen you for a couple months, and I've been worried. Every time I walk past your corner, I wonder if you're okay. I wonder if Winston is okay. While walking to the bus stop today, I saw you walking and yelled hello to you. You recognized me. I'm sure you did. Winston barked and jumped on my legs like old times. I hugged you and you told me you loved me. You know what? I think I love you too. I have never met somebody with such a huge heart. You sit on that corner whenever you can just to wave at passing cars. Some people wave back. Some don't. But you keep waving, you keep saying hello, and you keep smiling. I love that the most about you. Even though you recently had a stroke, you still made the effort to come out to say hi. One of these days, I will come out and sit with you. I will wave and say hi to everyone who passes just like you do. I may even visit you at your house, if you let me. I'd love to sit and talk with you, even though it's hard for you to speak.

I'm so glad you're okay, John. Hope to see you soon.

Margo.

052910 Who am I?

2010-05-29T21:54:00.001-07:00

Look at me. Do you know who I am?

I have no idea who I am. I don't know what I want or what I want to do.

I think I need to figure that out. I need to find myself. I need to find out who I am.

In order to do that, I had to give up one of the most important people in my life right now, and it hurts so much.

You need you to know that I'm sorry and that I love you so much. I know this is just as hard on you as it is for me, but please understand my point of view. Please understand that this isn't the end.

This isn't the end. I love you.

Do you know who I am?

051110 A miserable day.

2010-05-11T07:32:00.001-07:00

A miserable start to a miserable day. I woke up and I was exhausted. I was tired and my throat hurt. I didn't want to get up. Too bad I have an exam in one class and a quiz in another or I would have just completely skipped class today. I can't wait until summer starts so I can just sleep my life away.

All I want to do right now is disappear. I want to separate myself from everyone. I want to just be alone and not have to talk or deal with anyone. & it sucks because I'm so tired of wanting that and not being able to.

042210 happy belated birthday to jason!

2010-04-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

First off, it sucks visiting every day and not seeing anything new, huh? If you know who I am talking about, then props to you!

Anywho. Jason's birthday dinner was on Friday. His actual birthday was on Tuesday. They were both awesome. For dinner we ate at Gordon Biersch and it was good food, and good people. The night ended early because of some drama, but it was okay. For Jason's birthday I got him tickets to see HIM. They were pretty good. & of course, it being 4/20 someone brought some pot in and smoked it in the concert. Classy. All in all, good times.

I hate when people type things on Facebook or Twitter or whatever and they misspell things. If you don't know how to spell it, you're on the damn internet-- LOOK IT UP. Maybe you'll learn something. I know that my sentence structures aren't exactly correct all the time, but at least I try. At least I can spell. I can't stand when people don't know how to spell things correctly, especially if it's online. Education should be quicker now, it's fucking 2010. You don't (shouldn't) have dail-up anymore. It won't take you 5 minutes to look up how to spell a word. BLAH.

I'm really tired at the moment. It's going to be a long day. Dammit.

041710 diabetes.

2010-04-17T20:09:00.000-07:00

My mother has diabetes. I know it's not that uncommon, but sometimes my mom doesn't care. She'll eat 2 and a half bowls of rice (one and a half cups) and some red bean dessert after (she's supposed to have one cup of rice MAXIMUM at each meal). When I tell her to stop, she gets mad at me and tells me that she can eat what she wants. It's SO frustrating because I WANT to say "Fine. Eat what you want. I don't care." But I CAN'T. I DO care. I don't want her to be sick. I don't want her to have to watch what she's eating. I wish I could take the diabetes from her so she wouldn't have to deal with it. I know that it's just more stress for her, but I'm trying my best to take some stress off her shoulders by helping her figure out what she can or cannot eat.

I'm so frustrated.

040610 sigh.

2010-04-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

On my way to work today, I was feeling pretty crappy.

I saw John and Winston again. John is doing better. Winston is still adorable. They're awesome, and totally made my day. I went into work smiling. That hasn't happened for a long long time.

Still stressed. Still freaking out. But I'm slightly more happy than usual.

032810 freaking out.

2010-03-28T00:23:00.000-07:00

I was really trying to just relax and go to sleep, but my mind wanders. & it just so happens that my mind wandered into a place it really didn't want to wander into. School is scaring me again. I think this happens about once every one or two weeks. Sometimes, twice. It sucks because I know I'm smarter than that. I know that I can pas all my classes. I know I could have aced all my classes. But I'm lazy. & that's exactly what held me back from succeeding. I think, I need to quit my job. I need to stop spending time doing nothing. I need to start actually trying. I pretend to try, then I convince myself that I've tried hard enough and I deserve a break when really, I've done nothing.

I hate thinking all of this. It sucks because it's stressing me out so much. I'm so worried about not being able to graduate on time even though I already know it's not going to happen. I wish I could go back in time 10 years. I would do so many things differently. I wouldn't have started slacking. This is really not what I imagined my life to be like.

Please, someone, help me.

032310 coffee and backpain

2010-03-23T00:20:00.000-07:00

Lately, I've been having a cup of coffee and a bagel for breakfast every breakfast. This usually suppresses my appetite for a while. This is weird because I use to hate coffee. I don't mind it so much anymore, which is really surprising.

This morning, I helped my mom clean the kitchen. It was pretty awesome mother-daughter bonding time. She's on disability leave for two months for her diabetes and arthritis in her leg, and I'm glad. She's got less stress going on and she's happier. I actually like being around her now. She's not moody or angry all the time. She's nice and lovely. :)

After all that cleaning though I hurt my back. So I'm going to sleep now. Night, all.

031810 tired.

2010-03-18T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm very tired of life. I'm so emotionally and mentally tired. I just wish I could get away from everything. EVERYTHING.

031210 i dedicate this post to my jason.

2010-03-12T22:24:00.000-08:00

My Jason. I know that you are stressed at the moment. I know that you are depressed. I know that you think that nothing ever goes right for you. But trust me when I say that things will get better. Everything will be okay, love. I love you, and you love me. That is how I know everything will be okay. Your car will get fixed. You will sell it. You will get the car that you want. Everything will work out the way it's supposed to work out.

031110 the man on 33rd and vicente.

2010-03-11T21:14:00.000-08:00

~~Dear man on 33rd and Vicente,~~

Dear John,

I saw you yesterday. You were limping in the cold pushing your wheelchair with Winston's leash in your hands. I walked past you and you stuttered "Oh hi! How are you?!" I smiled back and greeted you back. I asked you how you were and you told me you had a stroke. I sympathized with you even though you had already told me a few months back. I asked you if you needed help. You said no. I bent down to give Winston a pat on the head and I asked again if you were sure you didn't need help. Your eyes welled up and your voice cracked while you said it was okay. You kept thanking me. I wanted to hug you and tell you everything would be alright. But you seemed sure of it yourself. I asked for your name and you told me it was John. I told you again that my name was Margo and I smiled as I told you to stay warm. I waved good-bye at you and continued walking to my bus stop. I really did hope that you stayed warm.

030910 anger.

2010-03-09T09:41:00.000-08:00

I'm so upset to the point of being depressed. This needs to not happen. This needs to stop. I need to stop freaking out and losing sleep over all this stupid bullshit.

Yesterday I got a call from 24 Hour Fitness in Pacifica for an interview. I scheduled it for Thursday. Yes, it is far, and yes, I don't drive. However, I was under the impression that if I found a good job that just so happens to be out of the city, I would be able to drive to get there. Turns out that was not the case, according to my mother. She won't let me drive. Minimum wage is less than in San Francisco, but I would be working more so it would even out. She doesn't see that. She doesn't realize the benefits of this job. I'd be at a gym every day I'm working so I'd have a chance to work out every day and I'd be the skinny little Asian girl she wished I was. Ugh.

I'm failing Accounting. Again. Fracking. Accounting. I hate Accounting. I feel like I'm in the wrong major. I don't know what to do. I keep freaking out. I don't want to freak out to the point of breaking down. I'm barely working. I have no money. I'm failing in school. Even if I get this job at 24 after my interview I'm not allowed to take the job. What. The. Fuck.

030710 cleaning!

2010-03-07T13:10:00.001-08:00

Last night I made spring rolls. I think those are my favorite Vietnamese food. I love them. I made an entire tray-full of them in my fridge. Not just like a plate. One of those potluck trays-- the silver foil ones. Yes. I made that many. MMmm.

I cleaned today. I gave the cat a bath, mopped, cleaned the bathroom, took a shower and now I'm about to do laundry as soon as I'm done with the towel wrapped around my wet hair. I wish I had more productive weekends. Oh, hah. I could probably study for Accounting. That would be a good idea. Yes.

My cat didn't like her bath very much. but she's over it and loves me again.

Boring boring days.

030410 it is way too cold.

2010-03-04T20:55:00.000-08:00

My window is only slightly open for ventilation but it's still freezing in my room.

I made fried egg whites for breakfast today. They were delicious.

Then for lunch I had a bagel.

Then for dinner I had rice and soup.

I think I did relatively well today. Maybe that should be my food routine everyday? I'm sure I ate less than 1500 calories.

Sometimes, I like to think about my failures. & then I'm sad. Goodnight.

030210 protests don't make sense.

2010-03-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

Last semester, a bunch of students from SFSU and more students not from SFSU took over the Business Building at SF State. They were protesting the fee increases and budget cuts. They locked everyone out and would not allow anyone into the building. Classes were cancelled for the whole day. These protesters then continued to break into the building and trashed the place. They vandalized the place with spray paint, and broke windows. These protesters have not been expelled. There were no charges brought against these students.

Now, I don't know about how you guys feel about these protests, but I know for a fact that everyone hates the budget cuts. BUT. That does not mean that students should be disrupting the classes that we actually manage to have. We're paying more for tuition while walk-outs and protests interfere with class time? I personally think that that is really stupid. If you want to protest, don't do it at school where people are trying to learn. Do it in Sacramento where, you know, our state capital is. Or maybe picket the Senator's neighborhood. Think about it. For the past year and half, people have been protesting and walking-out and what has that done? ABSO-FREAKING-LUTELY NOTHING.

I actually want to learn. I actually want to go to the classes that my parents pay for. Tuition is expensive and having classes be cancelled because of (possibly) violent protests really grinds my gears.

So please. STOP TAKING THE CLASSES I'M (MY PARENTS) ARE PAYING FOR AWAY FROM ME. Unlike you, I'm trying to get an education under the circumstances.

030110 march!

2010-03-01T17:56:00.000-08:00

Sad. Olympics are over. I won't have anything to look forward to at night anymore! Oh well. Apolo Anton Ohno is my wallpaper. I have that to look at. Just kidding. :3 I didn't really follow many Olympians. Just Apolo Anton Ohno for Short Track. Lindsey Vonn and Julia Mancuso for Skiing. Evan Lysacek, Marai Nagasu, Kim Yu-Na, and Mao Asada for Ice Skating. Aaaand. Shaun White for Snowboaring. I think those were really the only people I followed. Moreso Apolo and Lindsey. I'm going to miss the Olympics.

I'm in class. I'm so bored. This class is pretty pointless except for the fact that I need it to graduate. Bleh. I love taking notes on my laptop but my laptop is such a distraction. I keep playing Tetris every other 5 minutes. I'm glad at least my laptop isn't dying. 3 weeks ago I brought my laptop without the power cord and my laptop was dying like halfway through. I had to lower the lights and close programs to try and save the battery. Today I brought my charger and I'm sitting in the back of the class. I got here an hour early so in my spare time I toured the room to find the best wifi spotnext to a power outlet. Yeah, that makes me a loser. I know. But now I have a wifi signal! I have about half an hour until this class is over. I don't think the professor realizes that nobody is fully paying attention to him. half the class is asleep and the other half are dozing off.

9 days until my mom's birthday. 15 days until my dad's. They don't like celebrating birthdays. But we're celebrating it jointly anyway. St. Honore cake ftw.

022710 dim sum and getting plump.

2010-02-27T13:59:00.000-08:00

Once every week or two I go through the whole "I need to lose weight" phase. I need to actually do it as opposed to working out a couple times a week and then continue saying it. Sigh. I need a car to get me to and from the gym. Getting there is such a total bitch. I hate taking the bus.

022610 21 months.

2010-02-26T22:43:00.000-08:00

21 months with the love of my life, Jason Michael Miller! I love you darling!

I'm watching the Olympics. Apolo Ohno got DQ'd! I think that was a bad/biased call. The ref was Canadian! Pshaw. He could have gotten an 8th medal! He still has one race left though. Rooting for him. :) Lindsey Vonn DQ'd on her last slalom race too. I like her. I can't stand Julia Mancuso. Sad. Feels like all my favorites are being DQ'd. :/ Oh I love the Olympics.

I can't wait until I'm 21. Then I can go out with everyone else.

022510 tomorrow is 21 months.

2010-02-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

Woo! 21 months with Jason tomorrow! :) I can't believe it's almost been 2 years. It's crazy.

I'm currently watching the Olympics. It's crazy. I wish I was pushed to do something when I was younger. I wonder if I would have been any good. I wish i could have done like, gymnastics or figure skating or something. Just anything that I would have had to compete in. Sigh. I'm just, normal.

I'm surprisingly really tired tonight. Maybe I'll go to sleep early. Jason's out tonight anyways. Meh.

Goodnight, world.

022310 quizzing is a funny word.

2010-02-23T23:58:00.000-08:00

Didn't get much sleep last night. I was exhausted all day.

& I had a quiz in Operations Management. It was going fine until I was almost done. I realized I and messed something up. I put a couple numbers in the wrong spaces on the chart. You know those types of quizzes that are based on one single problem throughout the entire test? Yeah. It was one of those. 5 minutes before I had to turn it in, I realized my mistake. So I started erasing. I all of a sudden got really nervous that I wouldn't finish it on time and that I'd fail such an easy quiz. I was thinking of ways to ask for an extra 2 minutes just to get the last few calculations written down because I had done them on my calculator and wrote down the answer before even writing out how to get the answer. My hands were shaking while I was re-writing the numbers and redoing the calculations. I didn't even erase cleanly. Waah.

In the end, I finished RIGHT on time. Literally 3 seconds before she called for the test papers back. Yes, there were messy answers. But my answers were there. They were plainly marked.

021610 working out and headaches.

2010-02-16T07:40:00.001-08:00

yesterday i went with yan yan to san carlos to go take spin. this time, i actually finished the class! it was actually really not that bad. i think the thing that sucked about the first class i took was that i didn't bother adjusting the seat so it was uncomfortable for me. by the time half the class was finished i was already turned off by the class. but yesterday i fixed the seat and finished the class. it was kind of exhilarating. i would like to go again, but san carlos is soooo far...

after the class jason got me a redline and i was pretty hyper for the better of 2-3 hours? after that i started to feel sick. me and yan yan ended up just sitting in the break room for the rest of the time there in addition to visiting jason and chris at the front desk and talking to sam and jessi. i had a good time. i ended up coming home with a stomach ache from the redline and still feeling jittery as hell. oh the wonders of energy drinks. on the plus side, it does help you lose weight!

on the negative side, i went to sleep with and woke up with a headache. :/

i took two tylenol this morning and got a bagel. a cheese bagel. with cream cheese. i think one spin class would make up for all those calories..... :D

021410 chinese new year/valentine's day!

2010-02-14T15:54:00.000-08:00

happy chinese new year/valentine's day!

last night we all went to san jose to pray. and pray. and pray.

crazy chinese people with their firecrackers. crazy mexicans and blacks for coming out and joining in on the fun.

came home with half deaf ears, stinging eyes and nose filled with incense smoke and soot. but i had fun getting lost with cousins and trying to get flowers.

valentine's day. i would like to say that i'm having a great valentine's day and whatnot, but i guess with it falling on the same day as chinese new year, it's not that high of a priority. :S

sigh.

021210 winter olympics!

2010-02-12T22:54:00.001-08:00

drooooooopy eyes. kind of tired. currently watching the winter olympics. i love the opening ceremonies of the olympics. :3 they're always awesome.

i'm stuffed with jason's mother's spaghetti. mmmm. s'ketti. i feel fat. i think i want to take yoga classes. maybe. possibly.

valentine's day is around the corner.

along with chinese new year. time for worshipping fruit, being vegetarian for a day, visiting temples and burning incense. nose and eyes, please forgive me.

021010 my cat.

2010-02-10T23:48:00.001-08:00

my cat is the only one who i love that will not upset me.

maybe i'll be a crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.

at least cats don't talk.

cats listen.

cats care.

sounds like a good idea.

god, i am crazy.

020910 i spy..

2010-02-09T23:15:00.000-08:00

with my little eye...

something... orange!

lol, am i going to have to make this blog private?

i refuse to believe the blatant lies you feed me!

it's cold.

i'm stressed.

i'm annoyed.

i'm tired.

(insert totally uninterested emoticon here)

012710 doctor's visit.

2010-01-27T20:14:00.000-08:00

for the past month and a half i've been having weird stomach pains in the middle of the night. it's gotten so bad that i either can't get to sleep at all or wake up in the middle of the night from the pain. if this usually is the case, i can't get back to sleep until it's light out. this is going to be impossible for me to deal with now that school has started so i went to the student health center to see a doctor and my jason came with me. :)

today, i woke up at 4am in pain then managed to fall back asleep until about 8. at which point i couldn't bear with the pain anymore. i waited about an hour and called jason to come over and keep me company. it's his day off and he still would wake up early just to make sure i was okay. after bickering about what to eat and after making an appointment for later in the afternoon, he took me to red robin. after, we hung out with daniel for a bit then went to stonestown and waited for my appointment. turns out i have an imbalance of the acid in my stomach and the doctor said he wanted to take a blood test to see if there is an ulcer. after, jason and i went for some frozen yogurt then hung out at my park for a while. then he took me home.

even though today started out crappy and ended quickly, i still had fun. i love you jason miller!

011810 does that make me crazy?

2010-01-18T02:10:00.000-08:00

thinking about my past. my ugly ugly past. i had an ex-boyfriend. he was basically a modern napoleon bonaparte. he was a little smaller than most men, but liked to make up for that difference in size with his inflated ego. he was a pretentious bastard. he liked making me feel like an idiot. and i was an idiot. i was an idiot for staying with him for however long i stayed with him. he was abusive. physically and emotionally. he would hit and kick me, then call me fat and stupid. he was insecure. he always had to be the authoritative figure. he liked being in power. he liked being in charge. he thought he was the biggest hotshot around and that he was just the most awesome person in the world.

when i finally realized that enough was enough, i ended things with him. but the story doesn't end there. oh no. in fact, it gets quite interesting. he made up girls and said they gave him so much attention and that they "wanted him" to try and make me jealous. he started to try and guilt me into getting back together with him. when i refused, he took another road. he threatened to kill himself. when that didn't work (because i knew he was an idiot and a liar) he threatened me. he threatened to sue me. he threatened to ruin my life. he made ridiculous demands. this was the last straw. i stopped talking to him. he didn't stop lying about me behind my back, but that's okay because those people he talked to knew better.

i have to say that that year and a half was a complete waste of time. i was better than that. i am better than that. i don't say i regret stuff often, but that relationship was full of regrets.

oh the wonders of being vulnerable.

011210 the man on 33rd and vicente

2010-01-12T14:04:00.000-08:00

i took a walk to the beach today. google maps says that from here to there and back is about 2.2 miles.

on my way back from the beach, i ran into the man on 33rd and vicente and his dog, winston. he sits there all afternoon waving to passersby smiling and asking them how they are. today i stopped and said hello. he told me his dog's name is winston and that he's a havanese. i told him i had a pomeranian years back. then i asked him how he was. he got quiet then stuttered. he said he had a stroke. i said i was sorry and he said not to be, and that he was getting better. he pointed to his right leg, his right arm and the right side of his face and said he was getting stronger. then lifted his right leg three times to show me. i said that i was glad. i then told him to have a nice day, gave winston a pat on the head and shook the man's hand. he kissed the back of my hand lightly and said i was a lovely girl. i walked away smiling.

i don't often have encounters like these, so when they happen, they tend to stick. i can't help but wonder whether he has a family or kids and if he lives with them. part of me wants to make him cookies and lemonade, but considering he had a stroke and was still slightly paralyzed, i figured he might end up choking on it.

i need to go for walks more often.

011210 rain rain...

2010-01-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

it's raining!

lame.

last friday me, jason, chris and yan yan went to tahoe. it was fun... for the most part. lol. i had a good time with jason though.

saturday, i got my blood drawn. left a nice bruise on my arm. yup.

sunday i made spring rolls.

today i finished them off. noms.

classes start in two weeks, oh no!

luckily i have most of the classes i needed. wooo. i'm on the waiting list for three classes though.

average.

010110 happy new year!

2010-01-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year!

So the year changes from 2009 to 2010. Big deal.

I know, I'm so negative. I could really care less about the new year though.

I could really care less about a lot of things, to be honest. It sucks. I hate whenever I get in this mood. But whenever I do, I just don't care about anything. I want to care. I just don't.

Jason Miller, I love you. Remember that.

121809 shopping!

2009-12-18T00:02:00.000-08:00

i know people say a girl shouldn't be materialistic, but i just can't help it!

no, i'm kidding.

my lovely boyfriend JASON MILLER took me shopping today!

first he picked me up from home. i waited for sara to come by because i was giving her a calendar. jason met both saras. then we went to stonestown! he bought lunch. we ate at boudin. mmm boudin. i had a half a roast beef sandwich and tomato bread soup. he had a roast beef and harvati cheese sandwich an clam chowder in a bread bowl. theeen we walked around. he bought me stuff even when i said i didn't want him to. he's amazing. he really is.

i had a great day. and hopefully he'll get his great day tomorrow/today!

121409 classes.

2009-12-14T11:52:00.000-08:00

i have about two hours before registration. i'm excited. so far, my classes that i want still have room. hopefully they will stay open. i'm keeping my fingers crossed!

i have one final tonight and then one online this week. then i am done with school. woooo!

i thought jason had wednesday off.. so we made plans to go to the exploratorium. sadface he has thursday off. i guess we could go next next month or something.

i'm being fat right now. eating fried eggs, spam and rice. yum.

121209 registering for classes.

2009-12-12T12:01:00.000-08:00

i finally have a prospective schedule. again, i've got four classes on tuesday and thursday with two online classes. that's actually kind of a full load. i need to think about that. meh. i've done it before. i should be able to do it again. finally i'm junior standing. i'm starting classes for my segment 3 GE cluster now. i wanted to take foods, but there were some classes that weren't being offered that i really wanted. then i wanted to try and do law and society, but none of the classes had any seats. so i finally settled on human development. if that's a flop then i'll do asian american studies or something. oh college, why must you be so demanding?

yesterday i went to westmoor's winter banquet. it was good seeing cruz and jerremy and their baby. i love him. he's like a little cherub angel. concert was good. food was decent. jason's an awesome boyfriend for coming with me. thank you dahling!

121109 now add a gallon of rain.

2009-12-11T01:08:00.000-08:00

cold + rain = more cold.

i hate when things don't go as planned. i really really do. whether it's due to circumstances beyond anyone's control or not i just hate when plans fall through. i hate not having a car. this could all be avoided if i had one. i'm always the one left out. most bars and lounges close by 2 and i can't sneak out until after my parents are asleep which can range anywhere between 11pm-1am meaning i get to miss out on EVERYTHING.

i took a nap earlier anticipating going out and staying up a little, but since i'm not, i'm wide awake. fts.

120909 so so cold.

2009-12-09T11:17:00.000-08:00

WHY IS IT SO FREEEEZING.

i like the cold, but this is ridiculous.

going for sushi in japantown with chris and yan yan today. then gonna go back to yan yan's to hang out and wait for jason to get off work. yay good plan for a day.

i just got back from my campus tours interview. exciting. it was really not that bad. it was all of 10 minutes long. sleeeepy.

120509 happy birthday tiff!

2009-12-05T15:12:00.000-08:00

tiff turns 21! she's in disneyland right now. yay disney! i want to go to disneyland. i haven't been there since senior year of high school.

school is coming to an end. i can't wait for winter break to start. this semester needs to be over NOW.

112609

2009-11-26T00:30:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving!

& 1 and 1/2 year anniversary to my love!

i had a great night with good friends and a great boyfriend. so much fun times. "awkward balloon", *indiana jones theme*, awkward turtle babies! ginger ale makes good champagne. anal sex?

haha damn good times.

112209 cat naps.

2009-11-22T23:43:00.000-08:00

i realize that lately i've been so lazy. on weekends i stay in bed. more so now because i have a laptop. i went for a run today and i felt more awake. granted, it was a very short run. but it was good considering i never run. i'm a total swimmer. i wish i could swim every day. technically i could, but it's just so far. i need to drive.

anabel is sleeping next to me. she looks so comfortable. i feel bad since i'm going to have to move her to her bed in a little bit.

thanksgiving break. all i'm doing is working. and eating. ugh.

oops. cat woke up. now she's looking at me like my typing is 50x louder than it really is. now she's curling up and going back to sleep.

yeah, my life is boring. i wish i had more to write about.

112109 i<3food.

2009-11-21T10:44:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, Jason and I went to see New Moon. It was okay. I loved Dakota Fanning even though she was only on screen for like 4 minutes. I hated watching it in such a large theater. There were too many fans. "OMG! AHHHH!" Too much screaming when someone took his shirt off. Too much squealing when someone asked someone to marry him. Just too much. Mmmm, Subway.

Went back to Jason's house. Hung out there for a while then went to Yan Yan's house to hang out with Chris and Yan Yan. We ended up eating and playing Rockband for a while before we finally decided to go swimming. Yaaay!

Me and Yan Yan swam a couple laps while the guys sat in the hot tub. Then, they finally joined us again and we played around for a while with the noodles. We took an entire lane. I'm sure people were not very happy with us, haha. While swimming, we discussed the issue of dinner and when we were done we went back to Yan Yan's and had some goooooood foooooood. I love food. I'm so fat.

ps: i don't like wine.

112009 do you speak chinese?

2009-11-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

At work today, or more specifically, yesterday, there was a Chinese lady who needed to return/exchange some stuff and could only speak Cantonese. Maila radioed me over, and I did my best with what little Cantonese I knew. I can honestly say that I suck. Hahaha. I kept saying the same thing over and over and when I didn't know the Cantonese word for something I said it in English. I managed to get everything worked out though. It was hilarious nonetheless.

I'm so tired. My body hurts. I can't wait for our Thanksgiving dinner. It's going to be awesome. Good food, good company, good times.

111309 depressed.

2009-11-13T02:11:00.000-08:00

i don't think anyone reads this so there's no reason for anyone to think i'm looking for attention.

i think i'm getting depressed. i've cried so much today. a few times for good reason. a few times for no reason. my eyes and throat hurt so much from crying. i feel lonely. i feel like i don't have anyone to cry to. jason's out with his friends and drinking and i'm just here. crying. curling up in a ball under my blankets hoping i'll stop crying. but i don't. and i can't. i don't know why i'm crying. i don't know why i'm so sad. actually i know part of it and it just leads me to think of other stupid things to fix it. it's kind of a catch-22 if i'm using that phrase correctly. i feel like throwing up.

i just don't now how to fix myself.

111109 awesome.

2009-11-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

Concert was awesome. Drama happened before it, but everything's okay for now.

Left here at around 5. Got to Market at around 530. Went and visited Tiff at work then went and got in line at Warfield. Got in our seats....

Good concert. Good music. I think I'm still slightly deaf though, haha.

I can't wait to see Jason again :) Only he can make me feel the way I do when I'm around him, and only he can make me feel better when I feel completely down.... I love my baby. <3

111009 paramore tonight!

2009-11-10T00:35:00.000-08:00

I'm so excited! Paramore tonight with Jason at the Warfield! Wooooo!

I'm so bored. Nobody's online. Jason fell asleep. I'm not in the least bit tired.

I feel like sneaking out. No one to sneak with.

I think I'll call Jason and wake him just just for a little bit.

110809 what to do.

2009-11-08T22:53:00.000-08:00

I think I'm going to sleep soon. I have to go to USF tomorrow morning for a tour. I wish I didn't have to go alone. :(

Past couple of weeks have been rough but got through them just fine. Le sigh. Shit happens I guess.

I miss my boyfriend. I wish I could be with him. Yes, this is one of those sappy "I miss him so so so so so much!" posts. I really really love him. It's a completely different kind of love that I am definitely not used to. But it's a good kind of love. A better kind of love. The kind that I know is going to last. :)

I got a haircut last week. It's so short now! I still need to get used to it.

Went swimming with Jason today. It was fun. :)

Bored.